Hello, and welcome to fuckweather.net, the website that is dedicated to fighting the good fight against weather. Or, more specifically, against talking about weather. Talking about weather may seem harmless at first, but here are some little known facts about using weather as a conversation piece that may reveal otherwise:
-Nobody gives a fuck.
-The weather won't do something else if you complain about it enough.
-Whoever you're talking to already knows everything you have to say because they, too, are subjected to the weather.
-People who study the weather are called meteorologists, and are constantly competing with journalists for the status of being the most unimaginative people on the fucking planet.
-Mostly old people talk about weather and old people are gross. Especially when they go number 2.
-Bob Marley talked about weather in a couple of songs, and then he got cancer.
Still don't think that talking about weather is harmless? Consider this: If you talk with ten people a day for thirty seconds about weather, that's five minutes a day (long enough to jack off), 35 minutes a week (long enough to watch a tv show), over two hours a month (long enough to take a pretty good nap), and an ENTIRE FUCKING DAY out of the year. A whole day you could have spent drinking beer and minding your own business, just talking about something that's plain and obvious. If you live to be 80 (God forbid), that's almost three months you've spent looking at the sky and sharing with someone else, "Hey, I notice that." Weather will have stolen that time from you...permanently.
Feedback
"Hi, I'm some really old guy, and I didn't realize until I read this site how much of my life I've wasted. Now I'm in my death bed, dying of several diseases at once, none of which are the funny ones that you hear about on TV, and all I can think about is that if I spent all the time I wasted talking about weather doing sit-ups and push-ups instead, then maybe I could at least be a muscular corpse when my time finally arrives!"
- Some Old Guy
"Yo fuckweather.com, I'm a long time reader, first time writer that would like to thank you for opening my eyes. I used to work in retail, where I would have to make small-talk with the public, for, like, thirty-two hours a week. It was total bullshit, I knew, because practically everyone that came in the store would say things about how hot or cold or rainy it was, and I always wanted to say something like, 'I know, the store has a fucking window, plus I'm not blind and I have a fuctional nervous system, so I'm fully aware of the climate,' but I couldn't because I would lose my job. But then, thanks to this site, I realized that if I kept my current course in life, I could easily spend close to two years talking about weather, even though weather is stupid. I quit that job and got hired at a warehouse where I work with people who are generally too socially inept to communicate, which is better than having to hear that it's raining 50 times a day when I already know it's fucking raining, because how else would my clothes have gotten wet on the way to work? Thank you, fuckerweather.net!"
-Twenty-Something Entry Level Employee
"whaddup fuckweatthr !!! lol j/k. my stupid neghbor tried to tell me it wuz 2 hot 4 him so i hit him in teh nutz and he puked blood and cryed like a litle grl. it wuz funy cus hes such a fagg n e way. lmao u rok!!!"
-14 Year Old with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
"My bitch wife borrowed the car to buy groceries, so I had to take a cab to the bar after work. The cab driver tried to talk about weather with me, so I totally didn't tip him. He was probably a terrorist, anyway."
-Middle Aged White Guy That Got Married Right Out of College
"Dear fuckweather.com,
I am a woman in my mid-forties who is experiencing menopause. I have to complain about the weather because I have to complain about something, and my book club says that they're tired about hearing me talk about becoming barren just because they don't think I'd be capable of raising an emotionally sound child anyway. They're all cunts, but if not weather or my useless vagina, than what am I supposed to use as leverage to gain sympathy and validate my meaningless existence?"
-Some Dried Up Meat-Wallet
I've been told I'm a good small talker, ya know about weather and stuff. I always assumed being a good small talker meant you knew your way around an atom or carbon nano-tube. Now I realize that was a horrible insult and the next person that tells me so is gonna get a vulcan neck pinch or a karate chop to the neck. Not sure which, but definitely involving damage to the trunk that holds up their head.
Thank you fuckweather.net I had no idea I was being insulted all these years!
-A 30 year old man who is slowly realizing the stealthy truth about male pattern baldness
Have some feedback of your own to contribute? Let us hear it at [email protected].